BREAKING: Kim Kardashian Duped America With Publicity Stunt Marriage

Game. Set. Match. Winner: Kim Kardashian’s wallet. SHOCKING NEWS! TMZ is reporting that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are getting a divorce. The only thing shocking about this crap is that this sham of a marriage lasted this long. Nobody really believed this was real, right? I can’t tell you how much this woman gets under my skin. There are no words to describe it. She’s a bad person. Back when I first heard they were getting married, I wrote a cleverly titled blog post: I Hate Kim Kardashian. It was an instant classic. (note my humility here) I said it perfectly then, so here it is again… the good ole “quote yourself because you think you’re a good blogger” move:

So, the idiot forward for the New Jersey Nets, Kris Humphries, proposed to Kim Kardashian, and gave her a 20.5 carat diamond ring. Oh, and thanks to Kim’s awful mom, they had two mini-horses waiting for them, covered in glitter, at the after party. Yes, you read that correctly. Glittered mini-horses. What the hell is going on here? Did Oompa Loompas ride them in? Was Falcor flying in circles overhead? Was Willy Wonka’s river of chocolate flowing from their faucets? I just want to vomit reading this crap. That entire family disgusts me. My wife will channel surf her way to all those stupid Kardashian reality shows so I can’t avoid seeing/hearing parts of them every once in awhile. If I watch for more than 30 seconds, I’m driven into a deep state of rage creating an unsafe environment for anybody within 500 feet of me.

Then I came up with some marriage headlines:

Kim Kardashian should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.

20.5 carats + 6’9” = Sucker for a Giant Ass

Kris Humphries has never seen a reality TV show, proposes to Kim Kardashian.

Kris Humphries Turned a Deaf Ear to Lamar Odom’s Warning: Run Away

Reggie Bush, Ray J and Countless Others Hospitalized from Excessive Laughing

Apparently, I missed the obvious one:

Kim Kardashian Suckers Kris Humphries into a 72 Day Publicity Stunt, Pulls in E! TV… Hook, Line and Sinker

Darren Rovell provided some solid stats on their marriage: They were married for 1,721 hours, which means their E! wedding special, which paid $17mill, netted them $9,877 per hour they were married. Cha-ching!

I hate that I even blogged about this divorce. I feel like she steals a tiny little bit of my soul every time I mention her name. She leaves me no choice but to say awful things about her because she’s an awful person, but then I feel bad because I’m a good person and good people don’t talk this way about others. Welp, chalk another one up to Kim K… bringing me down to her level…and now I feel bad…which of course, brings us full circle: I Hate Kim Kardashian.

-bp

[lobbed by Pickett]

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