That, fellow lobsters, is a photo of Life & Style Weekly magazine. We knew it was gonna happen… just didn’t know where or when. LobShots is even more famous… in print…and I couldn’t possibly be more furious, but I’ll get to that in a few. Life & Style Weekly magazine has launched LobShots into a level of fame parallel to Justin Bieber, Kristen Stewart & Rob Pattinson from Twilight, and of course, Kim Kardashian. Here’s the cover:
Can’t make this stuff up folks. It’s a weird feeling…being in print. The first blog I ever wrote was in January of 2011, so we haven’t even been around a year. In the grand scheme of the internet machine, we’re just a little guy. Yet, we’ve already had our stories linked many times by websites much larger than our humble little sports culture blog, such as Yahoo! Sports, Sports Illustrated, ESPN, NBC Sports, The Big Lead, Deadspin, Barstool Sports, SB Nation, etc. (insert humble brag comment here) As for print, as far a we know, this is a first. Figures…we’re not famous for some great sports piece, but for ripping on the worst family in America. Maybe this isn’t a new thing? It’s not like we’re reading these trash magazines, so we could be getting quoted weekly for all I know. We have a Mr. Steinhoff, a faithful lobster, and his beautiful wife Stephanie, who happened to stumble upon the Lobshots.com reference in the grocery store check out aisle in St. Louis, to thank for knowing about this at all. Yup…we’re in San Diego, found in St. Louis. Again, figures.
I guess I just have to go point-by-point on how many things are messed up about this.
– “The World Turns on Kim” – Although it’s flattering to be the sole representative of “the world,” I don’t think that I alone, (1 person out of nearly 7 billion people) am a fair sample of the world demographic.
– “Death Threats from fans” – I know I should most offended by the “death threat” comment… which is a complete lie, but I’m more offended that they’re referring to me a “fan”. I’m the furthest thing from a fan that one could possibly be. I am an anti-fan, an enemy, an afficionadon’t of the entire Kardashian empire!
– “Kim devotee” – I’m going to let this one slide, and assume they aren’t referring to me as a “Kim devotee.”
– “A hater on Lobshots.com fumed ‘Kim…should die…and rot in hell.‘” – This is where it gets good. DOT DOT DOT… ah, yes, the infamous “ELLISPIS: a series of marks that usually indicate an intentional omission of a word, sentence or whole section from the original text being quoted.” Whenever you’re quoting someone, just throw in a couple of periods and you can turn that quote into something entirely different. Let’s look at what was actually said. Link to the original post here: I Hate Kim Kardashian.
“So, I saw this engagement news this morning, and about 5 billion headlines for this LobShots blog came to mind. I exploded with creative emotion… the most truthful one is the one I chose. I’m not proud of it, I just hate her. How ’bout this? “I strongly dislike Kim Kardashian”? I mean, I was taught not to hate…my mother raised me better than that. Mom, if you’re reading this, stop here… you won’t be proud of these headlines I thought of, but decided against…because they are mean, and as you know, I am nice.”
“Kim Kardashian should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.”
Clearly, I changed the title to “I strongly dislike Kim Kardashian“, and I pointed out that the headlines I was about to quote were indeed…headlines I “decided against… because they are mean, and as you know, I am nice.” So, there you have it folks… a mythical headline that was never even used because I knew it was mean and rude. I am nice, as I clearly pointed out. Onto the actual make-believe headline that made the magazine:
“Kim Kardashian should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.” This is the sentence that ended up, ‘Kim…should die…and rot in hell.‘ Honestly, “gonorrhea” is easily the best word in the sentence, so I’m angry it was omitted. In addition, they completely changed and ruined the quote of a quote. Yes, idiotic-editing-manipulators at Life & Style Weekly, that was a quote. From none other than the American movie classic: Ace Ventura. You know, when Ace goes to visit Ray Finkle’s house and he meets his parents?
Don’t believe me? It’s word for word, replacing the name Dan Marino with Kim Kardashian. Head to the 2:05 mark on this clip, and watch for 20 seconds. Or, if you’re awesome, just watch the whole clip of Ace visiting Ray Finkle’s house, because it’s, you know, awesome.
So, mystery solved. I was quoting a freaking movie because that’s funny… and I’m funny. In addition, the quoting of the quote was not even real… rather something I might have used if I was mean…which I’m not, as I’ve had to point out to you people multiple times. I’m nice, dammit!
All things considered, here’s what I’ve learned from our new found fame…I could really get used to this whole “making death threats” thing. Know this, lobsters, you leave a negative comment on a LobShots post… you do so at your own peril.
In closing, thanks for publicity Life & Style Weekly magazine, I hope you die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.