“Go Big Papa!” – No, Seriously…Go

Papa’s in the house! I saw our buddy Dave Rich almost rip a TV off the wall while watching a Papa John’s pizza commercial… so I asked him to tell me about it.  –bp

From Dave:

So I know I’m not the first one to think this but it needs to be said. Why in the balls is Papa John so awkward?  Why?  Tell me… I mean you’ve been on TV for years, you’re obviously very full of yourself, you have a huge pizza company, you drive a gold(ish) Camaro with racing stripes, and you perm your hair.  You’ve really got no reason to be as uncomfortable as you are. If you need a reminder…

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So awful. The lines you say.  “better ingredients, better pizza, papa john’s” are not that complex.  It’s clearly not the first time you’ve said them.  You probably wrote them yourself for heavens sake.  Yet when you speak, P. Johnny, you look like you’re on Take 76 after a long day of shooting.  You have no idea whatsoever to do with your hands.  Just put them down by your side, or in your pockets.  That’s what pockets are there for.  Pockets are the best, you’ll love them, just give ‘em a try.

Now listen close… this will help. NO one speaks with “air punches” on words that don’t deserve any type of “air punch”.  Are you reading off a cue card? Are you not allowed to read the script beforehand? Did you forget that you were shooting a commercial? Every single day you shoot a commercial. Every time you see a camera at your door do you say “hey what the heck, surprise me, let’s see what happens!”  Do the cue cards look like this?
That. That would be the only real excuse you have for how awkward you act in every commercial you make. It doesn’t matter to you if you’re with Peyton Manning, or with random strangers eating a pizza you delivered.   Your body movements look like there is someone above you controlling you like a marionette.  Every time I see your commercials, I look for the strings.  I have yet to find them, but I’m almost positive that they are there because you’re always looking at someone off camera like a bad SNL host.  Maybe a cartoon spokesperson or a lizard would be a better way to go.

In closing, killer turtle neck

-dave rich

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