[editor’s note: This is an entry from a friend of mine, Dallas McLaughlin. In addition to writing, he does stand-up comedy, and other neat things. I asked him to give you lobsters a glimpse of what the 2014 baseball season has to offer. He hates that I’m funnier than he is. – bp]
We’re a day in to the 2014 MLB season, or three days in, or six days? Or, we just started! Either way it’s time for my Annual Major League Baseball Predictions! I skipped writing last year’s predictions in favor of devoting my time writing what scholars will one day refer to as a “A lost cause”, so this year I made sure to do actual research! Well, maybe. Not really. I didn’t do any research. I’ve been watching House of Cards, and I’ll tell you – every episode gets a little bit worse.
As always the picks are real, however the analysis is almost more than real. Like when you look deep inside yourself and see the better version of you that you’ll never actually achieve: A cross between religion and a Matthew McConaughey speech.
I start with Ban Johnson’s American League Baseball Winners:
*denotes division winner
OAKLAND A’s*: Finish with the best record in the American League and celebrate by losing in the first round of the playoffs; they then trade Josh Donaldson, Sonny Gray, A.J. Griffin, Yoenis Cespedes, and Jim Johnson in the offseason.
HOUSTON ASTROS: Try to switch leagues one more time, but are denied and sent to the Canadian Football League, where they sign Tim Tebow, and lose every single game they play.
TEXAS RANGERS: Prince Fielder gets confused and is under the impression he’s an actual Ranger with a badge and gun. No one corrects him, and he finishes the season with 45 homeruns and 22 arrests. Sadly, Ron Washington was shot and killed during a raid in his own apartment.
SEATTLE MARINERS: Are really doing it, guys!
LOS ANGELES ANGELS OF LA MIRADA EARTHQUAKES: Josh Hamilton gets Albert Pujols hooked on crack, and the two go on a bender like Anaheim has never known. Lives are lost, freeways are burned; and it all ends a week later when Pujols stands atop the Matterhorn holding Hamilton’s body in the air and screaming the lyrics to Katy Perry’s “Roar”.
MINNESOTA TWINS: Surprise everyone when they win 53 games by the all-star break. They go on to lose the next 50, and move the franchise directly into the lake.
CHICAGO WHITE SOX: Make some huge moves before the trade deadline, which ultimately results in a 4th place finish. No one cares, as Paul Konerko sheds a single tear into Jose Abreu’s batting gloves.
KANSAS CITY ROYALS: Write an apology to James Shields for ruining his career, and force the entire team to sign it. The only hold out is Norichika Aoki who is waiting for a letter of his own.
DETROIT TIGERS*: In a bold move the team signs Miguel Cabrera to a 20-year $500 million dollar deal, and the rights to his first-born child. Bob Costas proclaims the signing as the decline of Western Civilization, while the Player’s Union calls it destiny.
CLEVELAND INDIANS: It seems like every year I make a Major League reference and no one cares. Whatever. You make my heart sing. Is that you Tolbert? You may run like Mays, but you hit like shit. Alright, I’m done. Terry Francona is awesome in the Michael Jordan baseball documentary.
TORONTO BLUE JAYS: Run a magnificent ‘Ten Year Anniversary’ ad campaign about the ’94 strike. Joe Carter shows up to sign autographs, but when he realizes he won’t be getting paid to do them he sits outside the stadium holding a “Shame on the Blue Jays” sign and eating poutine.
TAMPA BAY RAYS*: Release all their players, replacing them with nothing but guys from Triple-A, and still make it to the World Series. John Madden eats Joe Maddon in a terrible hunting accident.
NEW YORK YANKEES: Force A-Rod to drive Jeter around for the entire season to teach him what a pro acts like. Every night A-Rod looks in the rear view mirror, sees Jeter making out with another girl from The CW, and wonders what might have been. Brain Cashman wears a t-shirt that says ‘I’m Dead Inside’.
BOSTON RED SOX: Celebrate their World Series victory by losing 90 games and throw David Ortiz under the bus. Claiming he pops pills and kills cats. They also claim Ortiz is a clubhouse cancer, and has tried to actually give the clubhouse cancer, and that he doesn’t understand English very well. They then sign him to a 3-year extension. #bostonstrong
BALTIMORE ORIOLES: Are just soooooooo close, you guys.
AL WILD CARDS: Red Sox and Indians
AL WINNER: Tigers
Now on to William Hulbert’s National League of Champion Legends:
LOS ANGELES DODGERS OF ANAHEIM*: Try to create some sort of a team “thing” by forcing everyone to grow Brian Wilson size beards. Yasiel Puig forces a trade before he’ll publicly admit he can’t grow facial hair. Carl Crawford is placed on the 60-day DL with a chin sprain.
COLORADO ROCKIES: Are still a professional Baseball team. Todd Helton feels nothing.
ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS: Kevin Towers trades anyone who hits over 20 homeruns for mid level relief pitchers. When they finish in 4th place, Towers gets fired, and then somehow rehired. SOMEHOW!
SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS: When Tim Lincecum finally shaves his junior high moustache, the team goes on a four game winning streak, and loses the 5th game when Tim Lincecum still has to pitch in said game. Barry Zito is still alive, lurking, waiting, plotting…
SAN DIEGO PADRES: Buy stock in the words “Tommy John Surgery”, which enables them to raise payroll to $350 million. They use that extra money to put more craft brew stands, fish taco stands, and other things that have nothing to do with a winning baseball team into Petco. Yay.
CHICAGO CUBS: Ugh. I mean…CAN THEY JUST TRY TO NOT BE PATHETIC…FOR ONCE?! Come on, guys. Bartman. Do it. Do the Bartman.
CINCINNATTI REDS*: Aroldis Chapman gets robot parts surgically implanted into his face giving him RoboCop-esque powers. He can now throw 200mph, but also ends up slicing in half anything or anyone who gets in his way. It’s a bloody path to the World Series, but they do get there. Oh, they get there. Dear God, the horror.
PITTSBURGH PIRATES: Remember when they were so good last year?
MILUAKEE BREWERS: Ryan Braun once again gets suspended for steroids. His defense: “Can’t you see that they make me better?!” He’s right, and the brew crew loses 100 games. Aramis Rameriz celebrates his 49th birthday with a strikeout.
ST. LOUIS CARDINALS: Once again do really good, and it makes no sense how they pulled it off, and Mike Matheny, and blah blah blah. They’re like the Spurs of Baseball. Booooring.
ATLANTA BRAVES*: This is year Jason Heyward finally puts it all together, and in other news WE FOUND THE MALAYSIAN PLANE!!!
WASHINGTON NATIONALS: Jayson Werth and Bryce Harper take a week leave from the team and go to The Gathering of the Juggalos. While they’re there they start a Vape company called Two Broz Vape, a clothing company called HAVOK Industries, and marry each other.
MIAMI MARLINS: Are still a Baseball team. Todd Helton feels nothing.
NEW YORK METS: Take all the money they made from Citi Field and buy Curtis Granderson, Chris Young, and Bartolo Colon. This causes a dip in ticket sales, fan support, success, and wins. Somewhere Casey Stengel raises his hands in the air and thanks the Lord he took him when he did.
PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES: Subway sponsors the entire team turning the Phillie Phanatic into a life-size $5 meatball sub. Every time Ryan Howard hits a homerun the Phanatic douses the crowd in grated parmesan cheese. They finish with the worst record in Baseball, while Chase Utley gains 40 pounds.
NL WILDCARDS: Padres and Nationals
NL CHAMPS: Reds
WORLD SERIES CHAMPS: Tigers
That’s how I see it playing out, folks! I could be wrong, I could be right. If I’m right you owe me a coke. Not coke though. I don’t do cocaine. I save that for Doc Gooden. Yea, that’s right. I finish this with a joke from the 80’s. Thems the breaks. HAPPY OPENING WEEK EVERYBODY! GO PADS!