Super Bowl Commercials: 2011 Best and Worst

Here are my Super Bowl commercial impressions, along with a few impressions from the game in general. Let’s just get two things out of the way. First, yes, Christina Aguilera looked like Cyndi Lauper and belted out the National Anthem with a wrong-lyrics-butcher-job of epic proportions. Every singers nightmare, I’m sure. I actually feel bad for her, but she’ll be fine, not a career killer by any means. Girl has insane pipes, no biggie.

Second, A-Rod is a sally. How perfect was that? Kudos to the camera operator guy that chose that camera at that moment… A-Rod all limp wristed getting hand fed some popcorn by that chick that was only hot back when she was in The Mask with Jim Carrey. Ok, now that those are out of the way… let’s get on to the commercials. I’m not gonna go into all of them, or even show them… there are a billion sites you can go to for that. (Fanhouse has all the commercials here). This, however, is the only site that can offer my dizzying intellect.

Doritos. Tons of Doritos commercials. Some winners and some losers, says me. The Men in Black lookalike pug dog slow motion sprinting at that idiot through the glass door, then blasting him… is AWESOME. Small dog for the win, and I hate small dogs. The forbidden fruit commercial is kinda clever when Eve takes the fruit and Adam sticks to the chips. Just never really found that much humor in the serpent Satan and the Fall of Man… call me old fashioned. The resurrection fish/plant/grandpa spot was decent. The one everybody is talking about… the dude that sucks on another dudes finger, and then sniffs another guys pants in the butt… oh man, this is just commercial GOLD. oh wait, NO, it’s not… it friggin’ sucked and made me want to ralph. But, oh, you missed the point, it was so over the top! right? right? Shutup. It was just gross. Felt like I needed to take a shower after watching it…dudes sucking on dudes. What’s wrong with you people?

GoDaddy: I’m sure that broke some sort of record for how many people went to their website after their commercials, so everyone’s gonna say they were huge winners… but I’ll tell you what, when they showed Joan Rivers’ face, I literally blipped. Yep, the dreaded blip, just a tiny bit of puke that unexpectedly jumps up out of your stomach, through the throat, and into your mouth. What? You think that’s disgusting? Well, that’s how disgusting I think Joan Rivers is. Don’t ever make me look at her again GoDaddy. I made a choice to not watch E! so that I never have to look at her, and for a few seconds you ruined it for me. Shame on you, just as I’m ashamed for even putting that picture in my blog.

I’m not an “LOL” guy when it comes to texting or IM’ing. Kinda drives me nuts. A simple “Ha!” or “haha” will do… that said, the first Super Bowl commercial to make me LOL was the “Reply All” Bridgestone tire spot. Just awesome…because we’ve all done the dreaded “reply all” on accident. Well done, tire guys.

Did you guys see that commercial that combined a “Cowboys and Aliens” movie trailer with a classic seen from Cameron Crowe’s “Almost Famous”? Yeah, totally unoriginal Budweiser. A tough guy’s singing “Tiny Dancer”…it really wasn’t that funny or clever. Just bring back the freaking toads already. We all love the toads… and Louie the lizard. We love Louie, too. Oh, and what the freak was up with that commercial with Adrien Brody running around singing and crying? Dumb.

VW crushed all other car companies. That Darth Vader kid made me crack up. Something about that little guy cruising around in the Vader getup trying to make things happen with the Force was just awesome…. and without the music, it would’ve been dumb. I want to say more about it because I loved it so much. I just don’t know what else to say, except go watch it again. Oh, that super fast beetle was racing stripes was pretty sweet too. The other car commercials? Pretty unimpressive. The idea of buying a piece of crap car because it can give me real time facebook updates is so friggin’ stupid I can’t even begin to explain it. So I won’t… just know that it’s stupid.

Pepsi vs. Coca Cola: The Pepsi Max “Love Hurts” husband and wife commercial…with the wife constantly bashing her man…the one with a strong finish of a can of Pepsi Max being chucked into the hot blonde’s head… absolutely crushed it. That throw was Ricky Vaughn-esque. The “IWannaSleepWithHer… IWannaSleepWithHer… IWannaSleepWithHer” commercial was pretty funny… mostly just because of that guy’s facial expressions.
The Coca-Cola Trojan Horse-esque commercial with the dragons breathing fireworks just didn’t work for me. Those animations are freaky, and it was an awful mix of Lord of the Rings fight scene and a Katy Perry music video. The Border commercial was really well made, but it just didn’t really do much. Pretty cool visually and all, but, meh…in summary, Pepsi Max annihilated Coca Cola in the commercial category.

There was a Hyundai Sonata commercial that I really liked, about “What if we settled for the first thing that came along” or something like that. Old giant cell phones, an old typewriter, an old-fashioned bicycle, a record player, etc. Pretty smart. Anyway, how pissed is Android that they didn’t use that commercial for their DROID phones? I mean, c’mon guys, the iPhone is on Verizon now, so you’re screwed unless you step up your game. I have the Droid X, I love it, and this should’ve been YOUR commercial. You blew it. Go hire the guy that made it, and fire the guy that makes all of your commercials look like a Star Wars assembly line, they’re weird.

I really try to avoid the word “hate”… just sort of a life rule of mine. But I’m having trouble coming up with another word for Kim Freakin Kardashian. Just when I couldn’t possibly dislike her more…she teams up with crappiest shoe company since LA Gear and makes a commercial. I swear, the “woe is me, life is awful because ‘somebody’ released a sex tape of me” card that she played makes me want to punch her in the ear. Oh? Life’s soooo bad, right? Without that “leaked” tape… you’re still a nobody. And now? Now, you’re making a commercial that insinuates you’re having sex?! Somebody help me out here… what is a kinder word for ‘tramp”? I’ll try to come up with one and when I do, I’ll call her that. And good grief, Sketchers?! I hate these shoes… and I’m so pissed at you too, Karl Malone, for doing a commercial for them.

The rest? Career builder: Write this down. Monkeys are hysterical. Keep using monkeys in your commercials. Monkeys parking cars is also hysterical. Good work. If I ever see Eminem do another commercial…ever… it’ll be too soon. Stick to rapping, bro. Thor and Captain America both look stupid. Verizon iPhone commercials: They were okay… no real knock on them, but I seriously cannot believe that “can u hear me now?” weasel is still on TV. The Audi “Release the Hounds” commercial with the snooty prisoners and Kenny G… eh, it was okay. I do give it mad props for using the word “hoodwinked” though. Love that word. The E-Trade baby isn’t as cute as he used to be. Sorry. The Motorola Zoom Ipad knockoff commercial was friggin’ dumb. Buncha white monk looking freaks walking around. Oh, go against the grain. Lame.

After Snickers did the Betty White commercial playing mud football last year, which was awesome, we were kind of prepared for something similar this year… so when Richard Lewis was all whiny… it was just ok. But then Roseanne got blasted by a giant log… and I laughed hard. So, nice recovery. Bieber’s Best Buy commercial with Ozzy was almost saved with Bieber in the background at the very end saying, “I don’t know, he kinda looks like a girl.” Almost saved. Sorry dude, you’re still a chick, even if you admit it. (Yes, I’m just jealous, so save your comments). Oh, and to finish it off… Pauly D? Really, man? I never thought I’d say that freakshow lookin’ hair-did you rock off every day makes you look good. But, after seeing you look like this? Wow. Spike away, bro, because you look AWFUL all Bieber-fied.


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