Superheroes on Steroids

I’m not a comic book guy. I don’t know much about superheroes. I don’t know who is DC Comics or who is Marvel Comics. I don’t really care. I don’t even know the origin of the term “superhero”. Like, do you have to have a comic book to be a superhero? No clue. Yes, I live in San Diego…No, I’ve never been to Comic-Con. I’ve seen most of the Hollywood movie adaptions of comic book characters. Some of them are fantastic (ie: Batman Begins and The Dark Knight) and others are just awful (ie: Daredevil, Punisher, and every version of the Incredible Hulk that wasn’t Lou Ferrigno’s TV version). Anyway, here’s what I don’t understand. When did every superhero all the sudden become so ripped and roided out that they no longer even look like real humans? Isn’t that the point of a superhero? Clark Kent, Bruce Wayne, Peter Parker? With my limited superhero knowledge…those are the big three, right? Superman, Batman, Spiderman. Isn’t that the appeal of these dudes…that they’re just normal dudes…with extraordinary powers? I didn’t do any extensive research on this, rather I just wrote a blog on a minor league baseball mascot that is the old Mighty Mouse on steroids.

That got me to thinking…when did these guys stop being human? When I was a kid, I at least knew who all these guys were. One of the greatest movie dialogues ever… from Stand by Me, these kids are walking on the train tracks when Vern, a young fat Jerry O’Connell asks, “Do you think Mighty Mouse could beat up Superman?” Burnt off ear Teddy is totally offended, “What are you cracked?!” Vern: “Why not? I saw the other day. He was carrying five elephants in one hand!” Teddy: “Boy, you don’t know nuthin! Mighty Mouse is a cartoon. Superman’s a real guy. There’s no way a cartoon could beat up a real guy.” Quietly, sort of under his breath, Vern gets this excited look on his face, brightens up and says, “Yeah, maybe you’re right. It’d be a good fight, though.” How awesome is that? I never had those conversations, but I can appreciate them. I mean, even though I was too busy playing sports, Duck Hunt on Nintendo, and collecting baseball cards to care… it’d be nice if kids these days could grow up knowing that superheroes aren’t bodybuilders, right? A quick google search can find you some the original comic book depictions and the new crazy 2011 cartoon version of them.

1939 Batman vs. 2011 Batman

1942 Superman vs. 2011 Superman

1967 Spiderman vs. 2011 Spiderman

I get that superheroes should be jacked, but good grief… 6 packs and veins popping out of all these guys, so steroided out they no longer look human. Knee muscles, rib muscles, neck muscles… these guy are crazy jacked. I guess that’s what makes these jerks superheroes… when I was in high school, I was ripped. Now? A bit more marshmallowly. It’s the opposite for these guys, in the 1960s, Spiderman had the body of Danny DeVito…40 years later? He looks like the Ultimate Warrior in his prime. Damn superheroes…I wish you would go back to the superheroes you were created to be, so that kids could look up to you, and not the Mr. Universe version of you.


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